Defend yourself like a Virgin but Attack like a Tiger

A good friend of mine who’s been after me for a while about not dating installed Tinder on my phone. It got her out of her rut after her last divorce; she’s met people she goes out with and has a fine time. After she reassured me no one can track me down, no one can find me, they won’t see my Facebook… I said fine I’ll try it. I just can’t see it though.

“Defend yourself like a Virgin but Attack like a Tiger” “I have three homes” “I am a billionaire and I spend my time racing cars” (yeah right – that’s why you’re on Tinder) “my index finger has repetitive strain” … and then there are the angry men with statements like “if you swipe make sure if we match you talk and if you talk don’t judge or unmatch unless you’re 100% sure cause I don’t have time for crazies” (no kidding, and he is worried about wacko females…)

This is the sort of statement that is apparently supposed to push my possibly undecided mind over to swiping rrright. I am wondering; after nearly an hour of swiping and browsing and poking at my phone, what goes through the minds of men in my age range that they would think this is the most attractive version of themselves? There are a noticeable number of photos where the phone/camera is covering their face as they stand in the doorway of their bathroom or closet. Covering your face doesn’t seem to me to be smart if you are trying to get people to meet you; even if you are only feigning that you might like to get to know them. These; however, seem to be the most honest presentations.

Pictures of football emblems, cartoon porno, close-ups of naked torsos, cross-eyed pictures where they forgot to lean back from the phone while looking in the mirror, overshadowed pictures, pictures in wacky hats and caps (sure sign they are bald says my friend), selfies behind the steering wheel of a car (clear sign they are cheating says my friend), nostrils, parts of a chin or ear, negative exposure shots, LOADS of men wrapped around other women or with children wrapped around them, slogans, random shots of neighbourhoods, blanks where no picture is loaded (this is a fake profile pre-perfection says my friend), pictures of England from space… these make up nearly half the profiles that pop through for my age range. There is a BARRAGE of overweight balding men who apparently aren’t even aware that they are clearly drunk in their photos (or don’t see anything wrong with that). Paunchy bellies and dirty rumpled clothes and loads of facial hair; with arms wrapped around their buddies or pointing somewhere at something not in the shot. Maybe they set the profile up as a dare on a night out and forgot to erase it.

Descriptions that say “not interested in chatting endlessly” or that their main interest is in “bed” really make me wonder why are these men not able to get a date without the assistance of Tinder. NOT. I wonder if they are getting anywhere at all in their endeavours. Idealists say there is someone out there for everyone; but my experience is that that is not the case. I think there is a limit to how self-deluded people should allow themselves to be before their friends should tell them maybe they should be realistic about what’s out there. Maybe these guys don’t actually have friends and these are pictures of the regulars at the pub, or their last work do. Honestly; I have a hard time believing these men are in fact in my age range – 5 years up or down – as they don’t look like my classmates or even my cousin’s ages. They look like worn out versions of my dad when their pictures aren’t tinted in a manner that suggests they are from another time.

Then there is the flip side of guys with no close-ups of their faces. They love lots of shots of themselves on motorcycles, surfing, skiing, biking across Europe, climbing snowy mountains, boxing, working out in the gym – with the occasional vertically leaning torso so you know up front what you’d be looking at – and no description or statement at all. These guys tend to say they are looking for a soul mate… “if you are brave enough to fall in love”… please. If you have that in your blurb you clearly either aren’t grown up enough to know that’s not an opener or you underestimate your audience. Or maybe not, maybe there are childish bimbos out there that this would really really appeal to. Who am I to judge – not a single one seems attractive to me. Not one.