Want
Unappreciated Sacrifice
Wilderness
Exile
Bound

My one true god is Apollo: god of music, poetry, philosophy, truth, the sun, prophecy… of all that is good, has grace or is of any worth in this world. And yet it has been about fifteen years since I have properly revered his gifts; so overcome by grief and wretched was I when I made a bargain in a place of worship to arrest my voice if only I could be spared from my state of destitution and very palpable life of a slave.

The result of the bargain was not immediately grasped by my intellect, and its impact on my lifestyle was gradual. Slowly slowly I took steps to gain an economic freedom that had not been available before. Bit by bit my penury was eased; although I was still made to wander in different lands the pace of the required changes slowed. My heart was still broken but my precarious position was exchanged for the ability to sleep at night without wondering if I might afford the rent next month. My vocabulary receded from my mind as the source of my improved income and stability was wholly contrary to my nature and talents. The void in my soul frequently reverberated in moments of quietude ensuring I would not forget what I had lost. No, not lost. Given up in moments of vile anguish. A promise that cannot be taken back for all I wish I could erase that day or replace it with one where I kept walking into the sea without stopping.

My days are solitude though I am well fed.
My nights are unquiet though I live in a peaceful neighbourhood in a house with my name on the title.
My self-determination is not unrestricted given the bargain disallows me to employ my authentic faculties.

Where is my creativity? It did not abandon me. It is bound within by a promise that saved my life but destroyed my being. It is fettered and chafing. I would beg the god to release me but my shame is too great. I am undeserving for having forsaken his endowment. Like Cassandra what small scraps I produce are ignored. Desolate and despicable I still yearn for his favour. In my anxious dreams he may hear my pleas and have pity despite my lack of worth.